Monday, December 28, 2009

Postpartum: 2009

It's that feeling I get anytime I make something or do something I consider a great personal feat or success. Like I had channeled some force completely outside of myself, and the final result has made its exodus from my being and I am left vulnerable and doe eyed.

It's the downward slope near the end of a relationship continuum. Where you look down and see the end of something in site, followed by the gaping infinite space where the fear and endless possibility dwell.

it is the door you close before another door opens, and you are left for several heart-pounding moments in a whispering dark hallway.

2009 has been quite the dichotic one. A veritable yin-yang of good and bad. Or maybe that's an unfair assessment... as many events are not exclusively good or bad, but no less emotionally challenging. I feel haggard.

I can scarcely remember anything that happened before beginning my first semester at CSUF in August, except to say that much of my summer was geared towards preparing for this past fall. Actually, I can hardly remember the past year beyond my 2 weeks in Australia early December.

What the hell happened this past year?

Many many beginnings and endings in such little time. I know many of us have lost friends, mentors, family members, and I want to take the time to remember them especially right now, before the year is over.
Conversely, some of us have found friends, mentors and family members as well, and so in the face of loss, the world continues to turn in a hopeful little way.

One thing is certain, this has not been a neutral year. It has been highly emotionally charged.
Full of many failures and successes. One thing right after another. I don't think I've laughed or cried quite so much in years prior to this one. Maybe a bit towards the end of '08, that fall was a pretty good lead in to this year...

But... in summation: 2009. Weirdly... you will be missed? Or not, you were fucking exhausting. But much of it I wouldn't change... there were some great gems this year. Some of it I would change, but eh. There you have it. Never try to control the uncontrollable. Bend to avoid splitting in the storm, and when the spring comes, you live again. And stronger for it. It's all cyclical.

2010: What lies ahead? How the hell do you follow an act like 2009?? I'm a little excited, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also pretty scared. Mostly I'm afraid of stagnation and complacency. As much as I need a little respite, I don't need to get too comfortable. It may be that I'm becoming a bit addicted to the reality or ideology of change.

Let's make 2010 incredible, shall we?

Bunny- the stuffed animal with a higher degree than me (MFA, no joke), travel journal handcrafted by your's truly, and a cup of refreshing tea. Victoria, Australia 11/09 

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